Hello my friends!
My name is Oliver. My Mom calls me Oliver the Adorahorrible. My Mom is so silly but I love her with all of my breath and my joyous!
My Mom is an Ethical Omnivore and she says so am I on account of that I am living the free range and I eat the free range dog food too. I don’t know exactly what that is but I notice that I do not wear the leash as much as the other “bad dogs” who don’t listen and their Mom’s are too much on the cell phone. My Mom is too but she has the time to yell at me when I am bad at my free ranging. My Mom says to hell with the laws because I am the good boy and I listen and don’t run into the traffic.
Me and my Mom’s story starts in Vancouver, BC where I was very happy because I love the Ocean almost as much as my Mom. She likes it because she calls herself and Ocean warrior. I think that is funny. I love it because it is wet and fun but sometimes I forget it tastes terrible. Please be nice to your Ocean because I love it and so do the fishes, especially the Sharks who scare me a little but Mom says they are important so we all can play in the Ocean forever.
I would like to start by telling you of our trip from Vancouver to our new home in the Alberta Province with our stop at a ranch before we came to our new home of the big city of Calgary. First thing I will say is that Mom was a little nuts the whole time. She went from crying to laughing to yelling all in a very short time and very seldom did one with out the other two for a whole month. It started when a ranch asked us to come and stay with them when Mom was in Alberta WITHOUT ME at her “Epic Birthday Bash and Family Farm Tour” for her EOM – Ethical Omnivore Movement in July with her friend Kathy Parsons who I have not met yet but am very excited to!! Mom turned quite old I think… maybe that is why she cries. I’m only 2 and 1/2. I am very happy
Mom says that she only had one month to pack up her whole friggen life and begin a new one. I think that if Mom didn’t drink so much beer saying so many good bye’s to people she would have not had to rush around and yell at herself, me and the cat (I will tell you more about him later) at the very end. She says I’m only a dog and should not look at her like that with the judgments.
On the very last day of moving lots of Mom’s friends came over to help but things did not go very well. One of her friends who she loves very much but called him a dumbass (I don’t think he heard) knocked off the UHAUL truck mirror backing it up. We had to call a guy to come and fix it. Then only a little bit of stuff fit in the broken UHAUL so after the mirror was fixed we had to drive all the way across town in the rush hour to get a new one. Vancouver likes to rain and that is just when it started to rain very very hard. My Mom was swearing like a drunk sailor, but she was sober but I could tell she didn’t want to be.
After we went from a tiny UHAUL to a HUGE Uhaul things went ok but we were very behind Mom says so all the cleaning of the apartment had to be done the next day which was the day we also had to leave our Vancouver home. I’m trying not to have the judgement but I think that lots of the cleaning could have been done bit by bit the whole last month.. that’s what I would have done if I had the thumbs and wasn’t so short. Mom says she hates that about herself, the procrastination. I’m not sure if this is the same thing as her lazy ass she also doesn’t like??
Anyway everything seemed to go ok besides all the swears and we left Vancouver in the huge truck. I have NEVER been in a vehicle before with Mom and she says she was not feeling very good because off all the stress. (I will not have the judgement). Also Mom had not driven any vehicle for a very long time so that was stress and she was nervous and I could tell because she was for once very quiet… and a little sweaty. I was very excited and not sweaty at all!! I talked and talked and talked and Mom told me to shut up so we didn’t crash and die in a fiery ball of fear and shame and regret. Mom is funny.
The trip was nice and Mom started talking again and told me all about her stories of making this trip when she was young and virile and her Grampa was alive in the Crowsnest Pass to go and visit. She also lived in the Shushwap and told me about all her fun on Houseboats. She was sad not to be able to stop and let me play in a lake on account of it being late and so dark. Plus Mom was getting sick for real I think and her tummy was making terrible sounds and smells. She said she might die on the way to her dream coming true and that would just be her luck. I hope she does not because I am too short to drive the big truck and I can’t read the directions on the cell phone to get to the ranch on account of Mom never teaching me to read. I did get a spank once when I tried to learn her cell phone so I am not going to ask anymore.
We made it to a place called Revelstoke very late, later that day and stayed in a dump that Dylan arranged for us. Mom said “she didn’t mean THAT cheap” I liked it! Mom was sick all the night but we had to get up early and continue our journey to the ranch. On account of Mom forgetting to eat the day before she ate a huge “gross” breakfast but that didn’t go well later because Mom said her belly might explode before we got to Alberta. I wondered if we ever would get there.
We saw many wonderful things and stopped in Banff and saw some Big Horn Sheep too. When we went through a place called Canmore Mom said we were getting kinda close. WE WERE NOT! Mom says she had a full circle moment because three years earlier she had a completely different life planned on her way to Vancouver for the second time. She was going to be an Ocean Conservationist mostly. She wanted to save all the Sharks and the Dolphins and the Whales. She said good thing she broke up with that loser boyfriend. I didn’t meet him because I was not born yet and he didn’t want dogs and Mom says he didn’t share her passion to save the Universe and now look at our wonderful life journey! I wish the boyfriend luck.. Mom says she wouldn’t pee on him if he was on fire. Oh MOM!! I might pee on him though. I have very good aim and am not scared of the fire. Mom started one in the kitchen once and I yelled and yelled with great bravery!
We eventually made it to the Ranch. I met the rancher and when he came to the big truck to give us a hug Mom yelled at him to “Back away I think I may have sh*t my pants!!” I know that she did not but it smelled like she did and the rancher was better off hugging her the next day. I hugged him though! I was so excited our road journey was over and our ranch journey could begin!
Turns out Mom did not have stress sickness as first assumed but had a flu and gave it to the rancher Mom and then a couple of the rancher daughters. They said Mom brought the plague to the ranch. They seemed happy to see us anyway.
Well that is it for now. Thank you for reading. I will write lots more of the stories to make you laugh and cry and feel the joyous!
Love Oliver 😛
